I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
