Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
