Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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