i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
