just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
