Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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