we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
that is very illegal...i love you.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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