i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sorry about my life...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
