Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
