even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
