she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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