I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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