I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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