everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
