youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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