The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
