I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
