You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
