I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
