The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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