Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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