I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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