some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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