Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
