To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
