i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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