I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This toilet bowl is my home.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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