I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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