My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
