Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
