Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
