I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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