I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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