you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
