her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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