I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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