i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
