end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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