he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
