I looked at my own cervix.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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