i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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