guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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