Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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