My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
