I'd wear matching sweaters with you
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
