Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
