Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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