and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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