I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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