Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
